January 28, 2013 by Lindsay Sharman
OMG Welcome to Kiss My Zeitgeist!, a series of interviews with Hot New Artistic Talent that is breaking old moulds, wearing new trousers, and carving their giant dongs into the chalky landscape of show business!
This week / month / WHATEVS YEAH, I’m interviewing some kind of musician guy who I todally got off with in Edinburgh? I slapped him up against a chip shop and asked if I could sexually assault him and he todally let me? He probably doesn’t remember. PTSD and that. Anyway. His website with music and stuff is here – Mr Laurence Owen!
And here’s the interview! We did it over Facebook, but you todally can’t tell cos the sexual heat between us is krazy, it’s like that Big Breakfast interview between Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence, but hotter, cos it’s NOW, and NOW is sexier than BEFORE….
Hiya! Thanks for agreeing to be interviewed for the new section in my extremely popular blog.
Well I’ve never heard of it.
I’ll be interviewing movers, shakers, and hipsters. So, that’s Parkinson’s sufferers with pelvic disease haha!
Lol lol lol
Can we move on, please.
Okey dokey. I’ll give you a few questions to ruminate on, then a few more. Chunks of five questions. So! Brace yourself for the first give!
Oooh what’s that letter?? Some Greek thing! Lol lol
1. How would you describe your music to someone who would never want to come to one of your gigs? 2. Why do you wear old man clothes? 3. Is your attitude onstage deliberately sexy? 4. Because it’s quite sexy. 5. Who is your big screen crush at the mo lol lol?
1: What I do is not music, it’s balladry. It’s based on hundreds of years of folk tradition and a myriad of cultures and walks of life. It’s part of our societal programming, so to even suggest that people would even need it explaining is… frankly exasperating.
Great! I might edit your answers btw, hope that’s ok lol!
So that bit, I’d edit to, like, “folk”
Question number 2: I’m sorry, I won’t understand. Questions 3&4: I don’t have an ‘attitude’. What I have is simply a policy not to accept rudeness and disruption during the performance. Any resulting stimulation, sexual or otherwise, is purely a product of your own shortcomings. And yes, it is deliberate, you fucking person.
Ooooh, Mr Darcy!
Question 5: How could I possibly comment? I have never been to the mo lol lol, I don’t even know where it is.
Ok thanks babe! So, questions 6,7,8,9,10, and then a surprise big question after that! 6. So our readers can really picture you, what do you smell like? 7. You have wonderful hair. Why do you do that? 8. If you had to grease up and wrestle a celebrity, who would you choose? 9. Cupcakes or muffins? 10. What is your favourite music lyric evah?
6. Right, I’m glad you’ve stopped the inanity and moved onto some questions with a bit more substance. I need you to inhale now. Slowly. Savour it. Cough. Visualise the blasted heaths of Dartmoor. The icy tundras of Crewe. The blistering tarmac boil of Leicester. This, and the clank of iron on iron on iron. This, this is the fog with which I fill the nostrils. Please don’t ask me to go any further with this. It does not do to question.
Is that a new Lynx flavour? Great!
And your answer to number 7?
Number 7: Oh, thanks! I swear by the Kerastase dry shampoo, honestly, it’ll change your life.
8: No. Unacceptable.
No no, it’s compulsory to answer! Say, it’s a new dictatorship, the LOLocracy! And they insist that you MUST wrestle a celebrity!
Sooooo who is it gonna be, big boy?!
8. No! NO! NO NO NO NO
Yes! Or, like, the LOLocracy torture you horribly! Like, really inhumane stuff? Until you’re broken? Lol!
And we, like, put your family in a cage and threaten to do things to them unless you relent? Rofl!
So what celebrity are ya gonna get to greasy grips with, lover boy??!
Seriously, I could actually find out where your family live, if you don’t answer
I HAVE NO FAMILY, I HAVE SACRIFICED THEM ALL ON PREVIOUS INSTANCES OF PEOPLE ASKING ME THE SAME FUCKING QUESTION YOU FUCK
Hahahaha you so funneeeee. Except I know for a fact that’s not true.
Answer the question.
Recognise this number – 0766********? It’s your mum’s isn’t it? Yep.
What. Is. Your. Answer. Last time.
I just googled him. So hot! Love it!
Oooh CONTRO!!! (Short for controversial. New word i made up. Trying to make that one go viral)
10. Music and lyrics are entirely separate entities. How dare you indiscriminately marry them together like a kack-handed klutz. Do I ask you what your favourite film-play is? Do I? Yes I do. What is your favourite haiku-dance?
Thanks Lawrence! So, one final question and then you can go back to moussing your quiff, or WHATEVS lol. So, here it is!
So, like, atonality and polyphony developed in the same decade around the same time, and both their founders (Stravinsky and Schoenberg) wound up settling in California. Obvs. So, like, has where you live (Mitcham, South London) affected your own work?
Kidding! What’s your favourite Angel Delight flavour?
I’m sorry, I cannot continue this conversation.
Huh? Why not?
Actually I’m not at all sorry. FUCK you.
You know what you did wrong.
That’s todally unnecessary. Do you not like Stravinsky or something?
Take a step back. Stop. Think.
Examine your mistakes.
EXAMINE YOUR MISTAKES, MISTER!
LIKE YOUR HAIR
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, HAIR MAN?
Shut up, ‘LindsEy’.
You can’t even do grammer, I pity you
So, like, are you free Friday?
I can, and have done Grammer, it was at the end of an episode recording in Seattle in 1997, but he never called. Don’t distract me. I know exactly what I’m saying. You crossed a line. There is no W in Laurence.
Oh sorry babez.
Let me make it up to you.
With my incredibly athletic tongue.
Seriously, it’s like it has extra hinges and muscles or something
No, don’t piss on the grave of this interview. Let’s just leave it shall we.
How athletic are we talking here?
Like, that shot putter, what was her name? Winnie Mandela? Her. THAT athletic.
It’s kinda hard to describe. I’ll send you a youtube link on your phone
OK, I’ve got it. What kind of bagpipes are those, Northumbrian or Great Highland?
Yah. Both. There’s a whole series of me playing pipes with my almost prehensile tongue. Recommended by the Scottish tourist board
Hmm. I’m not sure about your choice of song.
Everyone loves Britney
Anyhooo, thanks for answering my questions Lawrence! I’ll let you know if we use it in “Kiss My Zeitgeist”!
Go away, please.
Was talking to my shit-zu there, sorry, got confused
Walking out the door.
Say hello to your mother for me
Laurence has left the conversation