December 27, 2012 by Lindsay Sharman

This time last year, I stood in Hamley’s Famous Rip-Off Emporium and asked a Magic 8 ball a few questions about my future. The Magic 8 ball told me I’d be dead within a few months and I’d never have sex again. Neither of which came true, even without the help of my DIY nuclear bunker (it wouldn’t have withstood an attack anyway, not with all those glory holes I drilled into it.)

This year, I received a Magic 8 ball as a Christmas present from my manfriend Laurence. So, let’s ask the sinister little bastard a few questions! (The 8 ball, not Laurence.)

All of the following 8 ball answers are genuine, by the way. Which makes the following exchange GENUINELY CREEPY. Well, kind of.

Me : Hello 8 ball. You weren’t very nice to me last year.
8 : No doubt about it.
Me : Ha! So you don’t deny it! Did you lie because you enjoy my fear?
8 : Yes.
Me : Right. Well, glad we cleared that up. Are you going to lie to me again?
8 : The stars say no.
Me : Oh good. This is going well. This is like a proper conversation, actually. It’s a bit weird how logical the answers are so far.
8 : Absolutely.
Me : Wait for a question! I am your master!
8 : Unlikely.
Me : Harrumph. So, a question. Will I travel much in 2013? Because I’d quite like to, you see.
8 : So it shall be.
Me : I’ll take that as a yes! Nice one! Ok, next question. I’m a bit broke at the moment. Will I earn much money from my creative endeavours?
8 : Yes.
Me : Wow! This is a bit different to last year’s answers! Whoop whoop! Thanks dude.
8 : The stars say no.
Me : Ok, that’s a bit cryptic. Are you saying that the stars are saying that these answers are not different to last year’s answers? As in, that you’re lying to me again?
8 : Very likely.
Me : Ah man, why? Why are you lying to me? Doesn’t that negate the point of your own existence?
8 : Chances aren’t good.
Me : I have no idea what you’re talking about now. I’ll just ask simple questions then. Would you like that?
8 : So it shall be.
Me : Mysterious little shit, aren’t you? So, if I’m going travelling, will it be for work?
8 : The stars say no.
Me : Pleasure, then.
8 : So it shall be.
Me : Okey dokey. Should I go back to blonde, do you think?
8 : Yes.
Me : Are you saying that to be a bitch? Because you think I actually look shit as a blonde?
8 : You can count on it.
Me : You bitch! Ok, I’m going to ask you a question that I definitely know the answer to, and if you answer wrong then I’m ending this conversation. And I definitely know the answer to this one. So. Am I ever going to have sex again?
8 : Focus and ask again.
Me : Gnnng! Am. I. Ever. Going. To. Have. Sex. Again?
8 : Absolutely.
Me : OH THANK GOD. Well, you obviously don’t want this conversation to end, Mr Ball, but I feel like I should quit while I’m ahead. Thanks very much for your answers. I still find you a bit scary though. Might just pop you in a drawer now. Are you ok with that?
8 : Cannot foretell now.
Me : Right. If you start getting a little claustrophobic in there, you won’t….do anything, will you? Summon dark forces, that kind of thing?
8 : Can’t say now.
Me : Hold me to ransom, why don’t you?! Would you prefer to go in my handbag?
8 : Very likely.
Me : So you want me to carry you around. Ermmmm. Don’t know how comfortable I am with this. But ok. In you go. Nnnnnng.

So there we go! Well, that was much more positive than last year! It’s a little unsettling that I now feel compelled to carry it around with me, but it might be handy for making decisions on the go. Should I order pizza or pasta? Should I help this orphaned hobo? Should I rob this shop?

I’ll let you know how this works out for me.


3 thoughts on “Screeez!

  1. John Davies says:

    I don’t know what an 8 ball is but guess it’s like my gran’s tealeaves but more voluble.

    • Well John, it’s a malevolent black plastic orb that’s been made to look like a large snooker 8 ball. It contains a little window through which you can see a small pyramid floating in blue fluid. The pyramid has different things written on each of its sides, like ‘yes’ or ‘focus and ask again’. So you shake the thing while asking a question, and then you look in the little window for your answer. It’s for children really. Even though they’re inevitably going to ask questions like ‘is daddy going to die?’ and then potentially get a disturbing answer.

      • John Davies says:

        This is a fuller answer than my ignorance deserves. I can now do that shaky thing with fingers AND I know what an 8 ball is. Thank you, Lindsay – I’m ready for the streets. The streets of Much Wenlock, that is.

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