Shiz Gets Real


June 4, 2012 by Lindsay Sharman

Let me show you a picture of a man. I won’t say anything about this individual yet, not even things which rhyme with Bunbelievable Growering Dunt. No, I want you to look with fresh eyes at this Tucket of Kestering Bogcrit, knowing that I haven’t coloured your judgement with my opinion beforehand …

If you’ve yet to form an opinion (because you’re reading this….in a coma?), know that his name is Mystery. He’s a ‘pick-up artist’ who has written a book on how to be as much of a red-hot minge-magnet as he is. Maybe that’s actually a giant minge on his head. He might be using it as a subtle suggestion to the female brain-cell, in the same way that women employ lipstick, vaseline and a handlebar moustache to replicate excited female parts. But if we ladies send signals to men by vagina-ing our faces, wouldn’t the male equivalent demand that Mystery sport a huge dick on his? Scratch that, he clearly already does, it’s just more metaphorical.

It might be a joke, of course. ‘Mystery’ might be a brilliant comic creation. In which case, time to come out of character please. Some people are actually following your advice.

My issue with this advice is that he advocates ‘negging’, which Urban Dictionary defines as …

Low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances.

Also known as pulling girls’ pigtails cos you fancy them but girls are really scary and what are you s’posed to talk to them about and they’re stupid anyway so who cares but whatever. Stoopid girls.

The thing is, I’ve accidentally done it myself, with blokes. But that’s because I panic and I’m socially retarded. I’ve never pre-meditated this ridiculous behaviour, that would be like pre-meditating damp palms and spinach in your teeth.

To the core of the matter: I’ve been ‘negged’ a few times on OkCupid. I generally haven’t responded, but recently I thought to myself “where’s the fun in that?” so I replied with the following when I received this bloody charming message:

See how he de-activated his account afterwards? Damn right.

And then, the next day, I received exactly the same message from another bloke. A friend of the original charmer, obviously. This time I sent a longer message, because if someone said this to my face then I would not hold back. Perhaps I’m a bit harsh here, but C’MON…

Chances are, these chaps haven’t actually been worshipping at the furry altar of Mystery (gosh, that’s a misleading sentence), but the fact is that they decided to say something with negative connotations to a stranger. It wasn’t cheeky, it was just irritating. They were asking for a slap-down. So I gave it to them, BOOO-YA!

There’s no way I’m de-activating my account now. I have mannerz to teach, beeatches. For realz.





7 thoughts on “Shiz Gets Real

  1. Donna Scott says:

    Excellent, Lindsay. That is the shizzle!

    This Mystery guy is borrowing from a book from the 70s and for some reason the theory has got really popular again. Whatever next, mood rings?

    I’ve heard it works on townie twats apparently, so these guys need to get off the internetz and down to Revolution, where there is also vodka-based assistance available.

  2. Steve Aylett says:

    hi Lindsay – at first I thought that Behemoth thing was a ‘Master & Margarita’ reference (he’s a magical floating cat) … but that doesn’t make sense either. Or does it? I don’t understand anything… Steve A

    • Weird innit. Behemoth means ‘huge’ (I think….haven’t actually checked….hahaha maybe it means ‘unparalleled beauty’) so I presume they’re referring to my height. Have always wanted to go out with someone who refers to me as huge.
      The first guy who sent the email is an inch shorter than me, so maybe his MO is to attack anyone taller than him. I hope he goes to Sweden, and that the Swedes become uncharacteristically violent.

      • Steve Aylett says:

        But ‘Behemeoth’ with a capital ‘B’? I suppose it’s a bit of an over-literary thing to mutter to someone while passing by, like whispering ‘Karamazov’.
        Behemoth the cat can float, appear magically in mirrors, tear off people’s heads and replace them again, and is a servant of the devil. Does that resemble anything you put in your personal description? ;8}

      • Hahahaha! Ah, that explains it, that description encapsulates my profile picture.
        That sounds like a brilliant cartoon, what the hell is it?

      • Or it’s something literary is it? Because it would also work as a bitchin cartoon, from the sounds of it

  3. Steve Aylett says:

    It’s in Bulgakov’s book ‘The Master & Margarita’, in which the devil visits Moscow with a strange entourage. There’s a recent graphic novel of it too, in which the cat is quite cute with big eyes, but still sinister. Yes, I see how it relates to you now… Anyway, i hope you have better luck etc.. ;8]

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