May 3, 2012 by Lindsay Sharman
Dating websites – the refuge of the socially inadequate? Some kind of sex-finding thing? The way in which society blahblah isolation blah breakdown of community yadda yadda. Probably. I’m doing it for the penfriends, since that bitch from Switzerland stopped writing to me 22 years ago with NO EXPLANATION. You never told me what food you like eating best, Arjeta. The cold dish of rejection, I’ll wager.
Anyway. Most of the men I’ve seen on dating sites clearly need help. As it stands, the only women they’ll attract are incredibly forgiving, empathetic souls who view the men’s foolishness as an opportunity to nurture, and who wants that shit?
So in order to help these hapless chaps, I’ve compiled some guidelines.
1. Criticism is NOT INTRIGUING.
I like a man with spirit as much as the next idiot. But say we went on a date; would I want you to exhibit your feistiness by guffawing at my outfit? No. Equally, do not send me a message criticising my profile.
I don’t like your photo. It is too close-up, I can’t see if you’re fat or not. You should have full-length ones.
Because from a normal-sized head and shoulders, my body does indeed swell dramatically outwards like a fleshy iceberg.
You do realise you’ve written you’re both an ‘international supermodel’ and a ‘competitive eater’. Those two things don’t go together. It kind of doesn’t make sense.
Yes dickhead, that’s the joke.
I’ve gotta be honest; I don’t find you attractive but I’m looking for people to hang out with.
Update – I have been told that this might be a technique known as ‘negging’, whereby you lure ladies in by being horrible to them. This is an actual thing. It was popularised by some tool who wrote a wildly popular dating book; “How to Pull Emotionally Vulnerable Women by Using Psychological Techniques Employed by Wife Beaters” is not what it’s called, but should be.
2. Sporty photos
Popular photos are of you trekking in the icy tundra / skydiving. I understand the thinking behind this. It implies you’re adventurous and physically fit. Plus you’re covered head-to-toe in sporting equipment while maintaining a distance of at least 50 foot from the camera.
Are you hiding anything, buttface? I can’t see what you flippin look like. Are you going to turn up on a date wearing a ski helmet?
Sometimes these are accompanied by more normal photos, but generally speaking these are…
3. Photos taken at a weird angle
Oh look. It’s the side of your head, in a photo taken by a dwarf/child/someone lying helplessly on the floor. You’re taking a deep draught from an almighty goblet that obscures half your face. While wearing a hat with a floppy brim.
4. Meaningless cliches
I’m going to be horribly sarcastic now, and it won’t be pleasant as I’m attacking people who are just looking for love, damnit. But remember, I’m trying to help – if you use meaningless cliches, women will assume you have no imagination whatsoever. However, maybe you genuinely don’t have any imagination, and maybe you’re looking for someone similar; in which case, this doesn’t apply to you. Go and be happy.
I like to laugh.
At what? Drowning kittens? The tears of women?
Is there literally a single person alive who doesn’t like to laugh? Maybe someone exists with a defect where their ribs literally explode outwards from mirth. In which case, we should definitely date, I’d find that a very gratifying reaction to one of my jokes.
I enjoy spending time with my friends.
Whereas I avoid mine like the plague. When I do spend time with them, I stab a fork in my leg repeatedly to ensure minimal enjoyment.
I live life to the full.
I’m in a box right now, under the stairs, in the dark, weeping.
I’m really laid back.
I black out sporadically and wake covered in blood.
Food is important to me.
I. Am. Human.
Remember the lyrical genius of Rebecca Black’s song about ‘Friday’? That’s your profile, that is.
That’s enough for now. The End.