Let’s Get Oriental


January 3, 2012 by Lindsay Sharman

I will give a summary of each gig I do in the form of a haiku, to lend this ‘blog’ an aura of high culture.

“But what is a haiku, Lindsay?”

“Well Lindsay, a haiku is a short poem that must contain a seasonal reference. It should also juxtapose two ideas, with a kireji or ‘cutting word’ employed to reveal the new idea.”

“Seasonal, ay? And that ‘kireji’ seems a lot like ‘punchline’. So a haiku is a bit like a joke about…the weather?”

“Kind of, you crazy cat. More ‘nature’ than ‘weather.’ But haikus must also avoid opinions and emotions. I imagine it’s the kind of blank, dead-eyed commentary you’d be subjected to if you were chained to a radiator in someone’s basement. ‘Oh God, please….why are you doing this?? Please let me go!’ ‘The cherry blossom is out early this year. The wind ruffles it cruelly. Please don’t pull at the restraints'”

“I think you just insulted a treasured and defining aspect of a nation’s cultural heritage, Lindsay. Does that make you a racist?”

“Jesus, why is everyone so touchy nowadays?? No, I’m not a racist, I just don’t like bloody poetry. I’m only doing this in haiku form because it’s quick. And anyway, I tend to think of a haiku as less of a joke made by someone on high doses of valium, and more like a snapshot of a scenario. Which is perfect for recording gigs, innit.”

“A snapshot, huh? So, in a way, a haiku is what the Japanese used before the invention of the camera?”

“You could say that! Indeed, Japanese is pictographic, so the words and the characters themselves combine to give a strong visual image! Yes, like a photo!”

“So you’re reinforcing the stereotype that the Japanese are obsessed with taking photos then? Racist!”

“Well, it’s better than reinforcing the generalisation that they buy used underpants from vending machines. Anyway, shut up. The following refers to last night’s gig in Kent, run by ‘Out of Bounds’ comedy….”

Mistletoe on stage.

The male comics were tongued

By the piss-stained drunk.


“Yep. High culture”


3 thoughts on “Let’s Get Oriental

  1. Leo Kearse says:

    Did they really get tongued?

  2. Justin Panks says:

    My first groupie.

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